Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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