My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize