We should be called the Road Head Warriors
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
