I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
