i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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