He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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