We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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