I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
