My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
