so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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