You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Did I show you my penis last night?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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