Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
