im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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