it was like his penis was on wheels.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Randomize