my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
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