We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
