apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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