shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
