i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Randomize
