I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
