when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
