i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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