I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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