he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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