Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
