Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
found the other keg... it's in the tree
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
