I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
