got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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