matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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