we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
