I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
