When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
