Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
