Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
How does it feel to date your dad?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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