I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
God, I missed his penis.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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