she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
