I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
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