I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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