i already hear my dad disowning me
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Randomize
