god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
This gyro tastes like lonliness
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
