I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
If its not for food we ain't going out.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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