So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
