that's an acceptable place to lick
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
