if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
