So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I deserve this hangover.
Randomize
