I'm gonna have a badass scar
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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