pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
