my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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