I'm so fucking centered right now
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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