Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
