I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Randomize
