Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
