my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Shame is for Republicans.
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