Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
