I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
