And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize