i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
