Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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