I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize
