Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
no you cant smoke seaweed
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
