dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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