No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
what day is it and did you see me today?
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
