pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
