only you would photoshop your dick
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Randomize
